I can't be heartbroken, I am not dead.

I just finished watching Dear Jack. A documentary about Andrew McMahon (one of my favourite artists) who suffered through Leukemia.

I am just going to say this now. I cried through most of it.

It tortured me to see the things he shot with his camera about what he was going through. And to see how he was dealing with it, and how he disconnected from the world. It truly made me upset to see someone in so much agony. And I think that because I use his music to influence me in so many ways it effects me so much.

Then again, Human suffering like that upsets me generally.

He broke his own heart.

He disconnected from the love of his life, from his support system, from anyone.

He lost himself and then found himself.

The documentary made me think about how people react to everything. How I would react.

If in Andrew's place, I would do the same. I would probably disconnect. And no matter how much I say it would be for the betterment of everyone else because then they won't get hurt, it would be for my selfish little self. To save my own heart.

If in Kelly's place ( his girlfriend- now wife) I would have ran to his side and never questioned it. At the time he had become ill, they were no longer together. They had broken up because Andrew needed it, but when he was sick...She went there without any doubt, without any resentment. She just needed to be there.

Beautiful things come out of the most surprising things.

You are the ghost of love now.