Whats on your mind?

Dear Santa,

I would like to start with a cheery...


MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!


And I can't believe the year is almost done !!
I can't regret one moment of the days during the year, even when I got hurt... I wouldn't change it.

Because I wouldn't be me without it. And personally...I like me.
C:

It hurts..And I know

I can honestly say...I have made a few mistakes in my life. I could also honestly say that I don't really know where I am going.

But this is kinda weird.


I think I am just crazy but I want it to be clear in my head.

I think fear causes stupid things. And I honestly think its effecting my life. Not because I am afraid...
Well I am.
But I wasn't originally.

I have this horrible habit of becoming indifferent when I do not want to get hurt. I pretend like I don't care at all..when I infact care way too much.

I am sorry I attack in such a way.
I really am.

I think I just would like someone to prove that they can grow with me...and still love the person I grow to be.

Opps, I did it again !!

I love this colour <3

Lets hug a Tree and Spend a day at the Park

I kinda spam my posts with photos... I hope no one minds.



So last night was fun.
I didn't get Id'd Biggest. Surprise. Ever.

It was nice to go out with them. I think my favourite moment was singing songs with IM.
KW, TC and I got there early for nothing considering they didn't id at door at all.
Not impressed bar. Not impressed.
But our waitress was sweet so I am totally okay with it.
I thought NB was going to be there... So I was quite disappointed with that outcome.

Still..Metric with IM??? SO AWESOME!!
I now know who to steal when they come around. hahaha

I had a fun time. Drank some beer. I am glad I went...

After all...
It was JC's birthday.

There is a Lack Of Christmas in the air

Information Database?

So....

For the past few weeks I have been trying to put myself together. Because as much as I know me, I don't know me at all. For everything I am certain of, there seems to be a million things that confuse me.


What I know:
-I am in love.
-I have naturally dirty blond hair
-I accept change
-I don't care how, when I die.
-I have patience.
- I love green.
- Therefore, I adore my eyes. They are pretty much the only part of me I would never change.
-I tend to think with my heart and not my head.
-I know how fucked I could get from this.
-My favourite things are: My friends, family, my pencils and sketchbook, my camera, books.
- I will never understand people.
- I know I am a push over. But its something I am working on.
-I have no confidence or self-esteem.
-I don't even want to go to university anymore. My parents will force me. I am okay with it.
-I keep myself from people, I don't think half of the people I know really know anything sometimes.
-I love the outdoors.
- I wish people actually listened to everything I said. I hate repeating everything a million times.
- I only listen to Eisley when I am happy, and I listen to Bat for Lashes when I want to cry.
- Btw, I cry...A lot. I am sorry for worrying you.
-I suck at all sports. But skating.
- My favourite seasons are Winter and Fall.
-Summer and Spring give me headaches.
-I can't stand when I people get angry at me.
-When I get too emotional, I cannot talk.


The rest of me is under construction.

Whats a girl to do?

A part of me will always miss my hair this colour
( a picture I took when it was first dyed.)

I am listening to Sad Eyes by Bat for Lashes and counting down days till christmas

Party Hard little elf.

I am on CHRISTMAS BREAK!!

I am working on art again.
Applied for university, doing a lot of gifts, just being stoked in general.

So far I have about half my grandmother's gift, a few cards made, and also one of my friend's gifts.
I am productive C:

But not reproductive !!!


That was for JC.

I want my personalized fairytale

I think I just fell in love.

Mint chocolate latte

I have decided to make cookies for everyone I love on Christmas. This may or may not work.

I will make a batch for Christmas day and who I can see that day (or even a few days later)

And I will make another one on New Years.
( It is when I am am guaranteed to see many people).



6 days til my roots are gone.
SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO happy.

It feels weird watching Yogi's Christmas with no snow on the ground

This weekend has been productive.

All Saturday I spent making Christmas gifts but I still have ZERO cards made. I finished making my brothers gift. I need to wrap it and its done. I am quite proud of it, and I hope he enjoys it.

Its a bon iver tree accompanied by the album "For Emma, forever ago."

I am thoughtful at times....only sometimes.

I have an owl rough painting that says "Merry Christmas grumpy owl"
I am putting it in my room as a decoration. I love Christmas C:


Right now I am finishing up my projects while eating and watching candles burn.


A whole new take on "burning the midnight oil"
Tehe.

There are a lot of funny designs in my candle burning. I can't wait to see it with all the colours.

You have a challenge? Well I am determined.

Well this week wil be very interesting.

Monday- Three assignments due and MTV live with TC. Oh plus an in-class assignment starting that day.
Tuesday- in-class essay plus seeing JC.
Wednesday- In-class essay (last day)
Thursday- Last day of school, MTV with TC
Friday- veg out? maybe. But deff no school. C:
Saturday- Hair done, Ryan's party.




.......
this is going to be fun.

Woot, woot, woot, Can you speak Owl?

I love owls.
I love them so much that I bought an owl ring !!!
C:

It looks so pretty.

Bonjour.

I have a beret now, do not judge me :P


Tonight I am going to go to MTV live with TC. I am pretty stoked to see The Wooden Sky (as you all know...I will put a link at the bottom of the blog).

I got a really random phone call from RL. What a sweetie. I told him I was going and he said he was going to try to stream it and watch for me.

I can't wait to dye my hair again. The roots are making my gag. Urg.
I usually make fun of people for having really bad roots. Damn you Karma.

I did not attend school today, I am just at home.
It is days like this I wish I applied for university last year.

I am not seeing JC on saturday, I will however be seeing RL and SB!!
RL invited me but I don't think that SB will have a problem with it...

Kinda not feeling hungry all day. That is super strange for me. I hope I am not getting sick.

Update :
A few things, I am working on an ink antler boy picture. Just Black and White made of Indian ink. But I am just working on what I want to create is on and what to use still.

Its all coming together though.

I have more ideas for what to do, maybe the snow is giving me the creativity I need....Maybe

La Neige

Je veux danser dans la neige.
Je veux faire des forts de neige.
Je veux vous embrasser le soir avec de la neige tout autour de nous.
Je tiens à attraper les flocons de neige sur ma langue.
Je veux avoir une bataille de boules de neige.
Je veux de la neige .

I wasn't prepared

So remember a few posts back when I posted that picture of the bike?
Well I have one.
Its pink.
But I want to paint it either blue or red.
I have till the spring to choose, so it's okay.


I have officially mastered AutoCad (according to my teacher)
WHICH IS KICKASS !!
* And no not just the coffee...although that would be lovely..*

I am making pictures for my room to put in frames.
I made a lamp, a bridge, and just words.

I have about 12 frames to play with.
But I want to ask my friends to write sometimes on paper and I will frame it.

It doesn't have to be anything specific. I just want a part of them in my room

* I am not creepy, I swears :P *

Also, I am painting my stump.
I will take photos to show you guys later.

I am taking notes at random thoughts that come into my head because I am becoming increasing fearful that I am going to forget important things.

Tomorrow is The Wooden Sky.
Friday is my day with KD and I am getting dumplings.
And Saturday I may be with JC. ( I hope I am at least)

Marvelous Things

Well...I know what I want for my house :D
Yes, I do love trees much more than most things in the world.
I happen to enjoy the environment.
Which is why I want to cry when I see what we are doing to it.



Reminds me of all the old fairy tales I would hear when I was so young.
And it excites me for when I am older.



I want that bath tub in the background. Thats the only reason I like this photo!
Don't judge me



Umm....Anyone want to have breakfast with me and make me these?!
I drooled when I saw this.

I have Devil on my shoulder, and TB beside me.

Well hello little blog of mine...and my readers (TB, KD, JC, SB)
C:


It started snowing a bit today... I am looking forward to more of the white little snow flakes to fill the air and layer the ground. TB is beside me writing in her blog, that I will no doubt read after this. I am suppose to be doing AutoCad but I finished my window, waiting for approval and half way through the next one.

I hope AS is okay. His kitty was just put down and I know how much he loved him. I want to hug him, but he is not here today. :c

After talking to KD and JC, I have come to some weird understanding about my uncertain future with..well..anything really.

My life is very unstable at the moment. I want to get into OCAD (that I knok for certain) after that..I do not know.

A part of me will always want a simple life, just a small place to live, work, love.
But another part of me wants a nomadic life, travelling, seeing the world.

However, with the nomadic life, I would need a lot of money... Or start selling JC out as a hooker.
Hmmmmmm.

Which I choose, to either sell JC to support my travelling life, a stable sweet life, or ACTUALLY USING MY EDUCATION FOR SOMETHING.

Who knows?
I certainly do not.


I guess I will have to find out.
I am completely terried yet excited.

I want to run with the life I have, I am interested in this all turns out.

You have a helping hand, but I want to stay down

Things are sorting out. Finally.


Things are less confusing now.

JC and I have talked things out today. He met me when he came back from Guelph, at Chapters.
We have come to an understanding that we want to do. We are in love. There is no denying it, no ignoring it. And that is all we really want to be.

By the way, I ONLY HAVE ONE MORE ASSIGNMENT LEFT !!

This is fucking badass.
After Thursday, no more stressing out. However, I have to master AutoCad.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! D:

I want this..

I am sometimes classic :)

I would sing you to sleep each night if I could only sing

Honey is for bees, silly bear
Besides, there's jelly beans everywhere
It's not what it seems in the land of dreams
Don't worry your head just go to sleep

It doesn't matter how you feel
Life is just a Ferris wheel
It's always up and down
Don't make a sound

When you wake up the world will come around
When you wake up the world will come around

Its just the sweet weather and the peacock feathers
In the morning, it will all be better
It's not what it seems in the land of dreams
Don't worry your head just go to sleep

When you wake up the world will come around
When you wake up the world will come around

Honey is for bees, silly bear
Besides there's jelly beans everywhere
It's not what it seems in the land of dreams
Don't worry your head just go to sleep

Too much going on

GAHHH !!!

Update: Ear is crazy and bleeds wildly every once in a while.
I do not now why, and its fucking scaring me.

Why oh why is this happening?

Its bled four times this week......


This is getting out of control..

Snow, Hot chocolate, Gengerbread men, and Lattes !

So I started to make Christmas things.

So far...I have a list of things to do and me wondering how I am going to have the time to do it.


List:

1. Gingerbread men/ Village
2. Cupcakes
3. Cards
4. Winter tree sculpture.
Btw, finally got the clay... a year later, I know.
5. a painting for godfather
6. Tree woman painting.
7. hands drawing


These are the things I have to make.
I have a whole other list of what to buy that I am not exactly sure how to handle.

I also have to go through my clothes to donate to people tonight. Matchew is picking it up tomorrow night. Thank god he is, I would have no idea how to get it to him by tomorrow.

Anyways, I need to get my cup of hot chocolate, finish my last sketch and start my clay stump.

Souhaitez moi bonne chance, mes amours.

I can't be heartbroken, I am not dead.

I just finished watching Dear Jack. A documentary about Andrew McMahon (one of my favourite artists) who suffered through Leukemia.

I am just going to say this now. I cried through most of it.

It tortured me to see the things he shot with his camera about what he was going through. And to see how he was dealing with it, and how he disconnected from the world. It truly made me upset to see someone in so much agony. And I think that because I use his music to influence me in so many ways it effects me so much.

Then again, Human suffering like that upsets me generally.

He broke his own heart.

He disconnected from the love of his life, from his support system, from anyone.

He lost himself and then found himself.

The documentary made me think about how people react to everything. How I would react.

If in Andrew's place, I would do the same. I would probably disconnect. And no matter how much I say it would be for the betterment of everyone else because then they won't get hurt, it would be for my selfish little self. To save my own heart.

If in Kelly's place ( his girlfriend- now wife) I would have ran to his side and never questioned it. At the time he had become ill, they were no longer together. They had broken up because Andrew needed it, but when he was sick...She went there without any doubt, without any resentment. She just needed to be there.

Beautiful things come out of the most surprising things.

You are the ghost of love now.

Inglourious Basterds

THE BEAR JEWWW <3


I am in the middle of watch inglourious basterds, I am enjoying this movie soo much !!!

"LETS KILL SOME NAZIS"
Hahaha. I finally appreciate Brad Pitt. C:

Other than that, I am okay today. I got a hang of Autocad and I am actually doing well. It took a lot of stress off me, and I feel amazing.
I kinda wish I went to Guelph. I miss RP. I want to see her, plus who am I kidding? Hanging out with JC is really nice.
I am awfully awkward about it though. haha.

"Whiskey straight, no junk in it"
(Yes, I am quoting funny lines as I hear them.)

I went to starbucks tonight though...Like every other night of my life. But I love going for coffee and just talking.

I am seriously rethinking education and just owning a cafe.
So sad.
haha.

(This movie has a lot of french in it. YUSS <3 )

I need to get better at French. Maybe take lessons. I am okay at putting sentences together... But I cannot remember how to pronounce them that great.
Sigh.

("The germans call them....The basterds" lawl)

I need to pay attention now.


Hello Basterds.

Why do you listen to everyone?

My Life:
Me.
My friends.
My family.

Why can't people see the beauty in what they have? How can they not want to experience what they can? Fearing something you don't know is irrational. I could never say "I am afraid" when I have never experienced it.
I don't know my future. I will never be able to tell anyone what I will be doing in a few years. My future is undetermined. I could be doing something I love, living in Paris with a gorgeous man ( JUST SAYING It would be so awesome :P ) and traveling when ever I can. But I will never know.
I could be running a coffee shop and living above it (which isn't all that bad either...I think it is cute actually.)
The thing is...I do not know.
My life could turn out so many ways, and I know there are a million paths I can take.
But I want to live out what I have and not hate everything because I think something might be better, and I want to experience things...
Because I will miss this, and it will be something I have not experienced.
If I am here...Why would I want to run? I want to finish. I want to live. But I want to do it my way.

I will not be afraid, I will not run, I will not be tempted to escape.....

Also, I have booked 5 days of mtv live. You see I want free H&M stuff PLUS I really want to see The Wooden Sky. I am so STOKED OUT OF MY MIND!!!!!!


And its free.


PS The Wooden Sky makes my happy smile and takes my breath away.
<3

"... Sometimes there's so much beauty in the world I feel like I can't take it, like my heart is going to cave in..."
-American Beauty.

I want to experience.

Where do I stand?

On the right.


I am working on a watercolour piece at the moment. I do not know how it will turn out but I have made a few really rough versions. It looks promising.
Other then that... I need to start my brother's Christmas gift.
Le sigh.


This feels like its going to be an interesting holidays...
I just want to see some white snow, take a nap, and maybe find my own ground.


Until I can....
Bon iver tout le monde.

And we all float away...

I have never been more confused.
I could.......

Have him back

OR

Not have him back.

And this will all be decided after the weekend ends.

I actually need to make sense of my life...
Funny how I say that all the time.
But I am never lying when I say it.

WHAT IS GOING ON?!?!

Me and you...

Should have tea at midnight and enjoy the December cold nights C: