First day of December...

I am publishing this entry at exactly midnight to celebrate THE FIRST OF DECEMBERRRR !!!!

I am really upset that snow did not happen yet. My heart is sad at this thought. All I really wanted was snow. :( :( :(


This not a good start to such a nice season. Not in any way at all.




Confession of the day:

I love my friends.
With all my heart I do, But you guys make me feel pathetic sometimes.
I can be just fine on my own.....
I am not going to be sad forever and ever.
So Please....Why are making it so hard?
When your asking me whats wrong...I dwell on the topic.
You are all sweet and sooo very loving.
Amazing people...
But I don't need or want to remember all the much.
Laughing about stupid shit and just being us is what I need.
When I need to talk, when I need that caring support you guys give me, when I need that...Be sure I will ask for it.
I will never throw you out of my life.
Never keep it from you.
So please let me do this my own way...No matter how stupid it may seem to you.
This is me, and this is what I do.

Yes JC. That was mostly to you.

I haz to explain !

I just finished reading my entries for this blog...along with two other journals I have.
One from when I was 14...The other is the one I currently am using.


I can't believe how much I have changed !!!!

It makes me more and more and more excited to what I will become C:

Update: Apparently I was just as violent as I am now....I guess its a part of me forever. OH NOES! haha.

I disconnect my heart, My head...

Don't wanna recognize when things go bad
The things that you'll accept
Except that I am finding the words... to say




This is my self portrait. I am going to redo it. I don't want to put facial details because I feel it is more effective without. I am a serious person after all.
It is rather fitting for the end of Movember isn't it?


This is where my blog entry my name is from. Not finished. But its looking good :)


ITS MEEEE. Hahaha. I look so bad here. Woot for shitty webcam photos. But it will have to do.

I have to get started on paintings once again and especially on sculpting. Le Sigh. I need time..

I am thinking of just running off to own a cafe...

And put this on every table.

What can I say? I still have my humor.

Memories-Eisley

He was throwing grain into the ground below, ground below
With dreary circles of his arm, going slow, very slow
His cap pulled down roun' his ears to
hide the smile and watery tears

My loving wife it's so wonderful
how small seeds gracefully do grow
into beautiful things that spring from these rows
With their musical names and musical sounds

Dreary birds parade across the dreary sky, but down below
the woman absent mindedly begins to sow, how she sows the
seeds her husband loved so much, but he's no longer
here with us

But her life is so beautiful
as memories continue to grow
into beautiful things that spring from these rows
With their musical names and musical sounds
Beautiful things that spring from these rows
with their musical names and musical sounds, and musical sounds

Distant though I am
orange, gold, and green
firing, flaming, colors surround me
I'm always wondering where you are.
I'm always wondering where you are.
Darling shouldn't I be the one
Wondering after all I am the one who is gone
I'm always wondering where you are.
I'm always wondering where you are.
Darling shouldn't I be the one
Wondering after all I am the one who is gone
I'm always wondering.
I was just wondering.
I was just wondering.
I'm the one who is gone
Who is gone

But, there's beautiful things that spring from these rows
With their musical names, and musical sounds
Musical sounds

What do you have to say for yourself?

Cause I’m proud of my life and the things that I have done
Proud of myself and the loner I’ve become
You’re free to whine, it will not get you far...

Can't say I am not proud of what I have become.


I like to sit and watch the stars. So sue me !

....Or join me. C:

Oh Hello Wall

To do:
Kill MT
Go back in time
Get back to me.
______________________

I won't lie and say I don't regret it. I did. It might hurt for a while and I am fine with that.

But I can't do some things and I need you to understand that.

I can't go where you want to go. I can't say a certain phrase to you right now. I can't be in constant contact with you. I can't have you saying that we are in love.

Correction. Were.

I do understand. Friendship is what you need. But it still hurt...hurts.
All I need is some time, and I will get use to this.
Its only been a day for god sakes.

Unfortunately for me, I still feel the same as I did last week....
And also, unfortunately for me....I still want something I can't have.

I lied, I am not happy.

Dear Mt,

Since you can read this... ME EATING ANYTHING STICK SHAPED IS NOT SUPPOSE TO BE TAKEN DIRTY!!!



As I am on the phone with you...I will tell you to read this... And as you are still talking dirty I am fuckin' sacking you soon.

With love,
Amanda <3

I am just a little more than confused..

Lets break this down?
I won't pretend I am alright. This hurt like hell.
But I understand.
And that is whats important.
I can't say i saw this coming, no one did.


I never wanted it to be like this and I never wanted to see you like that.


I guess I maybe should have known nothing lasts forever but I like day dreaming way too much.

But I must say...
What a shock this will be when people notice

A Girl like me?

Today has been the worse day so far.

Dear Blog, Can I ask why I am so crazy?

Ten Cent Blues

"Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable."

-C.S Lewis

Too bad I am starting to feel way to vulnerable. Please don't take me for granted.

With a Little help from my friends

So today....was a really shitty day. Like, I wanted to break down and cry type of day. I couldn't handle my stress. But thanks to AP and MT I am so much better <3

AP took me to starbucks ....He is a sweetheart. We just talked and talked. Bitched and bitched some more <3

MT talked to me on the phone haha. We are so dirty and awkward.
My favourite part went something like this:

MT: What are you having for dinner?
Me: The veggie of the doggie
MT:...You can have my veggie of the doggie baby.
Me: Its awkward cause I just unwrapped it.
MT: You so want to.
Me: I need to go make sense of my life.
Me: and you need to shut up..
MT: BUT AMANDAAAAA


Thats my life in a nutshell. C:

Wait a tick !

“I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living, It's a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope. Which is what I do, And that enables you to laugh at life's realities.”

I had the perfect plan but I cannot make it happen. Damn you little problems of life !!

Dear _____________,

Dear Jack,
I write to you as a friend....
Dear Friend,
I write I fear the end is coming soon
To you it's not so clear
It's clear to me
It's clear as glass

All I need is some sweetdreams... And maybe a day to read... And get lost.
Looked at a ton of New Zealand Photos, I only torture myself with its beauty. Also, I can't get a hang of this Autocad thing......It seems simple till you try it. But I have all month and KD believes in me. I need to write my letters to everyone. I hope he does the same. I like talking to him, he is this relief. I tell him everything and he tells me everything. I could never not help him. Well I can't do that to any of my friends really. But when I need that little voice to say "I can do this" or "fuck it, you are better" or "you won't fuck up" he is there. And I am thankful. I have tomorrow to practice my autocad. I really need to get it because my drawing is horrily hard to do on this. My 11:11 wishes have to start being about this and not about what they usually are. haha. I also watched Dear Jack again. Absolutely lovely. Andrew McMahon needs to marry me, or I need to see him live again.



Dear Jack....

Sometimes I get Tongue Tied

I don't think I am wrong...But you think I am wrong. Where does this leave us?

Tie it to the end of your rope

Here is the low down. I have about 5 assignments, a lack of time, no coffee in the house and a full blown headache. Not trying to complain but really? Really?!?! This sucks. So I am sorry if I am a bit off or i seem bitchy.

Sunshine doesn't happen all the time.


I REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY just want snow.

I want my snow forts, and snow ball fights. I want my snow angels, and catching snowflakes on my tongue. I want late winter walks, and holiday drinks. I want reading while wrapped up in my blanket by my window. I want Christmas decorations that make the whole world light up. I want to see Santas at the Mall and smile at the little kids lined up to make their wishes while their parents listen to see what to get them. I want school to end so I can enjoy everything I have. I want to ring in the new years with my friends and never regret this year. I want my new years kiss. I want to see this holiday more than ever.


But like I said...I have 5 assignments and bullshit to go through.

Then the snow started falling
We were stuck out in your car
You were rubbing both of my hands
Chewing on a candy bar

You said "'aint this just like the present
To be showing up like this"
AS a moon waned to crescent
We started to kiss

Here is to being totally me...

Wish of the day:
I hope you don't stop caring.

All I wanted was to Dance

Today is just a boring day, filled with dull thoughts. All my energy is drained.



I hate sundays.


On a better note, I finished my wonky drawing...I also think I am in love with word wonky. Its like an addiction. Say it with me: W-O-N-K-Y.
What an amazing word.


Sorry for such a bad webcam photo !

Annie use your telescope.

My heart stops everytime

I think right after you see someone is the worse. You walk away from spending all that time with them, and the only thought in your head is: " That wasn't enough." Maybe I am a greedy bitch...Scratch that, I AM a greedy bitch. I never think the time we had is good enough. Hm.

Am I possibly insane?

You're just jealous cause we're young and in love

SAW BRAND NEW WITH JC!!!
It was totally epic... Despite the bruising on my chest but it was worth it :) I think i mayyy want to steal Jesse. Just. Saying.


I'm gonna stay eighteen forever
So we can stay like this forever

I had a good weekend filled with laughs, smiles, giggles, and my little heart feeling happy c:
I saw my friends at TN 09. It was good, the volume at the beginning was wonky but it was fun. I am glad I was able to see them. Although certain friends have been a bit off. :(

Well (500) days of summer and university awaits me. (how awkward was that sentence? :S )

ps. I am kinda sorta in love. Who knew?

You're just jealous cause we're young and in love

At the Bottom

I never did expect to fall this hard.

I got those lovesick blues..

This colour for the New Years!?
I really love it.
c:

So this is the new year.
And i don't feel any different.
The clanking of crystal
Explosions off in the distance (in the distance).

So this is the new year
And I have no resolutions
For self assigned penance
For problems with easy solutions

I really don't know....

what to do with my hair. I want to dye my hair, but I just don't know what colour. I won't do it right away...I will do it right before Christmas. Since I don't want roots in fam jam photos !!!
Plus it also means.. NEW HAIRSTYLEEE FOR A NEWW YEAR!!!



I wonder if anyone notices that why I dye my hair at the beginning of each year :P

An Ode...

I am in the need of coffee. What an addiction I have. Its pathetic, and sad, and horrible. Especially since I am scared of being cut off one day. Its not MY fault coffee is so lovely... Its really not. Mr. Coffee is just so tempting.

I guess I could just continue and keep lowering my amount..its already happening anyways. But that does not please me in the slightest bit. It upsets me more. I guess Mr. Coffee and I don't have enough time right now? Well, breaks are coming up....So coffee and I will have to get reacquainted...

Until then Mr Coffee..

Tiny bubbles...

Guess what I got to do today ?!?!?!?
I feel so soft, and pretty....Such a nice change.
Plus I am smell like vanilla. Yummy <3

Lalalalalalalalalalaaaaaaa.....

Love of mine some day you will die
But I'll be close behind
I'll follow you into the dark

No blinding light or tunnels to gates of white
Just our hands clasped so tight
Waiting for the hint of a spark
If Heaven and Hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the NOs on their vacancy signs


Today is a boring day. I slept but I am still so tired. However, I am beyond pissed at midterms. Who forgets to put two assignments into my mark?! On a scale of one to dumb WHERE DO YOU FALL?! gah. :(
Ohwell, I will just have to struggle to ignore my massacred mark.....Not fun.

So did I ever tell you how cute JC and I are? We send song lyrics back and forth. Today was I will follow you into the dark....I saved them all. I am not lame or anything. c:

Anyways, enough sleep for today and enough blogging ( I might come back, lets not lie here...) Time for work :c



We will hold each other soon...

What I Like About You:

How you currently flood my inbox.

How your saved messages still make me smile.

How you never complain about my awkwardness.

How I could never stop smiling around you.

How happy you seem around me.


How I seem to be your happiness. C:



Don't judge me for being sappy.

This is what happens when I go to pubs...

Forget about what I said before, forget about what I ever said.

Last night was a big mistake. I am a big mistake. But all I can do is move on from it. Redecorating my room today.


I gave up on me long before you did.

Here is a thought

That is my heaven. I would never leave this room...

You're the type...

To forget everything !


Damn me. Damn me. Damn me.

Here is my latest mistake....I forgot to buy clay.
I am so dumb.
Tomorrow hopefully !!

Tomorrow...

Listening to The Beatles while just chilling out.
This is the Life...


Texting KD all day. I am worried about him. The way he talks scares me. He needs more confidence and sometimes I don't know the words to say. :(

Putting my therapist glasses on! I have had an emotional truck load dumped on me by others. I don't mind usually, but I am also never usually this tired. My mind is sleepy and my body feels like shutting down :(

Late Night Time Thoughts. Late Night Talks.

So I am sitting, typing my essay, when I thought I should take a bit of a break. Its about 12:40am right now.I am up and not tired. Typing something I am not quite sure when the due date is. Hello stupidity.


Here is a list of things running through my mind:
- The rather gay essay I am doing and how much bullshit I have feed it, although my brother does claim it makes sense and does meet what is required while sticking with my thesis......... I still feel like I may have stuffed it too much....I hate getting off topic in an essay.

- My boyfriend. Like usual. Haha. Only because I haven't seen him since Sunday (that was only for three hours) and I am not sure when I will see him again. I am okay with distance and not seeing each other all the time. I have done it before and its not my biggest problem. I am just out of practice since the last time was in july...

- My marks..I DON'T EVEN NEED THEM AND I AM STRESSING!

-My Work, not the essay, but others. I have no time and when I do, its taken up almost instantly. This is the main reason I don't want to be here for much longer. I would like enough privacy so I can get things done. Or I end up staying up late almost every night trying to finish...
Like tonight....


I think I am just a worry wart some days.

Fantasy is what I do. And I am what I do.

I want to know your plans...

This (above) is New Zealand. This (above) is where I want to run away too. This (above) will be just a dream......

And how involved in them I am....

AHHHHHHHH!! THE ZOMBIES ARE ATTACKING !

HE FOUND IT. HE FOUND IT!

JC has discovered you oh dearest blog. Our days of making fun of him (they never started), and ranting about how much of a horrible person he is (that never happened either :/ ) are over. ALL. OVER. Oh well, all good things must come to an end. haha.


Thats all the news for today. I have a headache to control, a drawing to finish, and burn to take of.


To be alone with me, you went up on the tree

Oh, Humour Me Today..

I am suppose to be writing an essay right now. Oops.
I have written three different drafts though, so I figure I have done a lot in the few days so I get some time for my blog.

Yesterday, I got to see KD. He is so much fun. We went to the distillery district for some Mayan Hot Chocolate (FOOD OF GODSSS ! ) Then we proceed to talk about everything and walk around. He is a great photographer so I am actually petty excited to see how the photos of me turned out. If he can make me look great, I will be shocked. haha.


I am listening to: Telescope Eyes- Eisley
Please don't make me cry...


I also got to see JC ! It was a last minute adventure. But I love spending time with him. He makes me smile...Even on a bad day. He is amazing, much more than he knows. And I am just some silly girl on a blog right now, huh? haha. I had dinner at his house with him and his family. His brother makes me laugh, such a sweetie. It was sad leaving though, I had only been there for a few hours. I also hate when JC and I seperate.

JC is also worried about my crying habits..and this blog. haha.
I cried saturday. I felt really lonely and I don't know why. I was just sad. It was weird and should not make sense. Thats why I needed to leave sunday (when I sa KD and JC). I needed to see someone and just kill the horrible feeling. I am so strange.


....I'm just like you, I know you know,
I'm just like you, so Leave me alone.

You will ever know.

I NEED YOU SO MUCH CLOSER.......Then you will ever know.

I told you to be kind..

JC is on the hunt for my blog. OH NOS!

Well, I hope he doesn't find it, I kinda like this little element of privacy....You know the privacy for the world to see type thing. Only none of my friends (Except SB) can read it, cause only she knows its alive and breating and raging at times (damn hormonal blog).

Anyways, I am working on a couple of projects...sorta.
I have:
- My coffee stain drawing to do.
- My Bon Iver thing for my brother
- Need to finish my tree painting/sculpture on canvas.

Sculpting scares me. I am out of practice and doomed to fail a hundred times. But people do say, the best creations are made out of what we are afraid to venture into....I really hope that is true.

On a rather fun note, BRAND NEW IS COMING UP!!! I have never seen them live and I am totally stoked for the show ! Their new album is constantly on repeat. haha.

Anyways, I have some hot chocolate with my name on it waiting for me. C:


I told you to be patient
I told you to be fine
I told you to be balanced
I told you to be kind
In the morning I'll be with you
But it will be a different "kind"
I'll be holding all the tickets
And you'll be owning all the fines